Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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