I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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