I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
