What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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