I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
