I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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