Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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