Only a mothe r could love this liver
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
