Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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