Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
