We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
