I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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