i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
