But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
