I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize