Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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