I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
