Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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