i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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