On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How's work?
Spinning.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize