Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
