you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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