he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
