i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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