i would punch a child for taco bell
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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