my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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