I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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