haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am one with the molecules
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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