Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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