Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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