you will always have a special place in my vag
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
