The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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