it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
