Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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