i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
