I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
