it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
