Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize