i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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