What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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