I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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