She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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