She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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