And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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