I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
