Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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