She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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