Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
