ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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