the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I FOUND THE LEGS
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