Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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