I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
