I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
