We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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