No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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