I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
