we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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