Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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