I checked into jail on foursquare
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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