I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
