The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
