my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
