Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
