My hand turned me down
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
