Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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